Navigating midlife marriage: desire vs sensitivity

The Midlife Male is a newsletter and podcast by Greg Scheinman sharing experiences on aging, success, personal growth, and navigating midlife. If someone forwarded you this newsletter, click here to sign up.

Last week, my wife Kate and I took our son Harper to Austin. He had a class at UT, and we decided to make a small family trip out of it, bringing along our dogs, Riley and Roxy. Our mornings started with walks by the lake, a beautiful routine filled with the energy of joggers and walkers, fit people, and the overall vibrancy that Austin is known for.

As we walked, Kate would always be a few steps ahead with Roxy, our energetic three-year-old Labradoodle, while I trailed behind with Riley, our ten-year-old Shichon who likes to take his time and sniff everything in sight. It was during one of these walks that I found myself admiring Kate’s figure when another blonde woman, equally fit and attractive, came into view ahead of us. The moment felt almost cinematic—summer, the lake, beautiful women in workout gear, including my wife.

I was smiling, enjoying the view, feeling a semblance of youthful exuberance, so I took a picture and posted it with a caption that, at the time, seemed harmless: “Ask me again why I enjoy Austin?”

What I intended as a light-hearted Midlife Male moment quickly spiraled into an issue when Kate saw the post. She thought it was tasteless, immature and made her feel bad.  I hurt her feelings. I didn’t intend to.

What I failed to realize was that she took this as a comparison. And also that I had a preference.  That the younger woman was what contributed to my having a better than usual morning. That at 54 she works hard to look, feel, and perform as the best version of herself, and that 1) it’s an unfair comparison, 2) I’m her husband and I should be sensitive, understanding and supportive, and 3) Not everything i’m thinking needs to be put out there and certainly not at her expense.

She’s not wrong. She was understandably hurt, feeling disrespected and undervalued.

The Austin photo incident opened up a pretty intense dialogue (yeah, let’s just call it a dialogue…) between us, one that many couples might find familiar. How can a husband, deeply in love with his wife, navigate his appreciation for beauty and health without crossing boundaries? How do I reconcile my desires and need to feel young, inspired, and sexually vibrant while being sensitive and supportive of my wife (who btw I find very beautiful)?

We got into it all.

Let’s first clear a few things off the table

I don’t have a jealous and insecure wife.  

I’m not in a marriage where I have to ask permission or forgiveness to go out, travel, walk on eggshells or any of the multitude of things I hear guys complain about with their wives.  

We’re fortunate that we’re both independent and dependent on each other. That’s taken a lot of time and work.

I’m proud of the way she looks and carries herself and I’ve never been offended when guys look at her. I take it as a compliment. I’d much rather have guys looking at my beautiful wife than the alternative.

I’ve seen a few of her texts with her girlfriends about various actors, trainers, hot young guys on Instagram, and it doesn’t bother me.

I don’t have interest in cheating, nor does she. Quite frankly, it sounds more exhausting than energizing to me to put in the effort, then have to hide, lie and lead that double life, hurt the ones I love and potentially lose half my stuff and my family over it.

But… And this is a big BUT… I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to feel desired. Wanting that feeling like my work is paying off. Wanting to know that people are paying attention and that I could… BUT I choose not to.

And this is very different for a man than a woman. 

A man has to try to get laid. I’m not saying that men don’t get approached or hit on, but the majority of the time a man has to go after it and find a woman willing to say yes.

A woman could literally go anywhere, anytime and have a 100% success rate of finding a man to have sex with her.

But what brought all this up was an innocuous picture of me looking at two nice asses, not just one… And one being my wife and the other a total stranger, whose face I never even saw.

Fact: No matter how old a man gets he will always be attracted to younger women. 

This is why I've been picking group exercise classes for years based solely on the photo of the instructor.

This is why I go to gyms rather than workout in my garage all the time.

Whole Foods has a better selection than Randalls, and I'm not just referring to the groceries.

I prefer the bright beach and bathing suits to dark nightclubs and bars.

And I’m not alone. Nor do I think this makes me an abnormal middle aged man.

Data backs me up

According to a recent study, the heterosexual men in the study found women in their twenties most attractive, regardless of how old they were.

Meanwhile, the heterosexual women were most attracted to men who were close to their own age.

I’m not making this up. I sourced it from the book Dataclysm, and am sharing the graphs below. BTW, sharing the graphs with y’all is a lot safer than sharing them with Kate.

The graphs show a worrying trend where both 20-year-old and 49-year-old men both cite women aged 20 as what they find the most attractive. The age of the woman men found most attractive never made it above 24 in the averages.

Conversely, 20-year-old women were most attracted to a 23-year-old-man on average, but the average most attractive age to a 50-year-old woman was 46.

Clearly this isn’t great news for women.

And it is scientific evidence backing the anecdotal theory that men will always like to look at younger women.

My experience in Austin served as a wake-up call. Did I fuck up? Yes. I knew better and I know better.  

While I may feel a natural attraction to beauty and youth, it is crucial to express this appreciation in a way that doesn’t hurt or undermine my wife, but rather values her.  

Neither of us are anti-aging either. We’re pro aging. Gracefully, yet aggressively. And quite frankly, we’re both doing a pretty damn good job. 

Being transparent with Kate about my feelings and working together to strengthen our bond is essential. 

Here are a few strategies that are helping me that may also help you. I say “may” because I’m still working on all of them myself.

1. Open communication. Honest conversations about our needs and feelings are vital. Kate and I need to talk about what each of us requires to feel valued and loved.

2. Professional support. Sometimes, seeking help from a therapist can provide tools to navigate these challenging emotions and improve communication. We haven’t gone down this road yet, but we're open to it.

3. Shared activities. Engaging in activities that both of us enjoy can strengthen our bond and create new, positive memories. Like taking those walks along the lake in Austin only without me ruining it by doing something stupid.

4. Mutual respect. Acknowledging and respecting each other's feelings is crucial. My appreciation for beauty should not come at the expense of Kate’s self-esteem and vice versa. This should be obvious, but my actions don’t always accurately reflect my true feelings.

5. Physical intimacy. Finding ways to maintain physical intimacy that are comfortable and satisfying for both of us is important. This might involve exploring new methods or seeking medical advice to address any physical challenges posed by menopause.

Being a midlife male husband is hard. Full stop.

There’s a whole new set of challenges and rewards we’re just getting into, and I’m not sure I like all of them, am prepared for them or know how I’m going to handle each of them. 

It’s also the best time of my life, both in my family and my relationship. 

It all requires sensitivity, open communication, and a commitment to understanding and supporting each other. That’s where the good stuff about marriage, commitment, honesty and love becomes great. 

I’m positive that by navigating these complexities with care and respect together, we’ll not only maintain, but enhance the intimacy and connection that brought us together in the first place.

In Health, 

—Greg

Austin, our way

Other things besides #PhotoGate happened while we were in Austin!

We had an amazing time together and I wanted to share a few highlights from our days there. Harper spent his days in this really cool music graphic design class at UT. The campus is amazing. Super proud of this kid’s design eye and natural ability to create, and he works his ass off 👊🏻.

We had sunrise coffee @cuveecoffee, and while Harper was in class Kate and I got to walk along the lake for miles each morning. We brought Riley & Roxy and they loved it.

I got to take a couple of @rofitnessaustin classes, and dropped in @onnitgymatx for workouts.

We shopped along South Congress and ate at a few of our favorite spots — @sunlifeorganics @homeslicepizza @perlassouthcongress @junesallday — and also tried a few new ones. @hanks.austin was a hit, @uchibarestaurants was a miss.

We went to see the sunset at @mountbonnell and ate ice cream from @amysicecreams and @lickicecreams daily.

We got in all 6 F’s, and sharing these experiences with my family is everything. Only thing missing is our older son Auden, but he’s living his best life over in Edinburgh right now so we just annoyed him with a few FaceTime calls from various Austin spots.

This newsletter comes out on Sundays. It’s not lost on me that on Mondays, we’re bombarded with Monday Motivation. I’m not a fan, and I’ve said it a lot. Motivation is fleeting. Seek inspiration, rather than motivation. I posted this last week and it struck a chord.

I got your “Monday Motivation” right here

These are actual quotes men have said to me over the last 30 days. 

• “I can’t walk three miles or go 30 minutes without checking my phone.”

• “I can’t stop saying yes to things I don’t need to do or want to do.”

• “I can’t stop trying to please the un-please-able.”

• “I can’t seem to do the exercises, rehabs, and movements I know I need to do instead of the ones I want to do”.

• “I can’t stop complaining about things that don’t matter.”

• “I can’t stop micromanaging people that don’t need to be micromanaged or barely even need to be managed at all”.

• “I can’t seem to stop spending money on things I don’t need, things that don’t bring me happiness.”

• “I can’t seem to stop comparing myself to others, feeling like I’m coming up short.”

I hear you and I grapple with these struggles (and others) daily as well.

It’s a constant battle. Recognizing these challenges is the first step to improving mental well-being.

Progress is a process, as much at 51 as it was at 31.

We’re all works in progress, even if life looks pretty good or it seems like we’ve got it all figured out on the outside.

The truth is we don’t. None of us do.

The real questions are:

• How are we going to improve?

• Who are we looking to for help?

• What steps are we going to take?

• Which choices are we needing to change?

If you're struggling with any of these things, or any of the multitude of emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, financial, and familial challenges we face daily as men, take a breath.

You're not alone.

Like most of us, you likely just need the right support and the right plan.

Maximizing midlife is not about winning every day, taking handfuls of supplements, sitting in extreme heat or cold or making anything harder than it needs to be.

It's simply about focusing on the daily positive action steps you need to take – and having the right people around you.

If you're new here

I’m Greg Scheinman and I help men maximize midlife. I'm an author, speaker, coach, husband, father, and expert on personal growth and transformation.

Interested in developing your personal operating system so you can rely less on mindless motivation and more on having an actual measurable, quantifiable action plan and an accountability partner to help you make it happen? 

 Let’s talk. Reply to this email and we’ll set up a discovery call.

Did something in this newsletter resonate with you this week? Reply and let me know.

In Health,

—Greg