What type of husband are you? A complainer or celebrator?

The Midlife Male is a newsletter and podcast by Greg Scheinman sharing experiences on aging, success, personal growth, and navigating midlife. If someone forwarded you this newsletter, click here to sign up.

Stop complaining about your wife.

If you’re doing this… Stop.

Seriously. It’s a bad look.

I’ve been married 24 years and it’s not been all rainbows and unicorns. But what I can’t stand is guys shitting on their wives amongst friends as a seemingly normal rite of passage.

My grandma Estelle, a very wise and classy woman, used to say “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”

Often we think we’re just being one of the guys. It’s all in good fun, in jest and we’re only “half serious.” It doesn’t really mean anything.

I’m guilty of having done it myself in the past, and I'm committed to not doing it again.

I’m becoming more aware of it because, for one, I'm sober and most of the guys I hear complaining about their wives are not, and two, as I interview more and more men for the podcast, I'm hearing them speak about their spouses. 

The most successful, happy, fit and confident men I know don't complain about their wives. They celebrate them. Loudly and proudly.

There seem to be two distinct types of men: Those who constantly complain about their wives and those who celebrate them.

The question is, which one are you?

Most of us here have been married for a while. Some of us are married for the second and possibly third time. Some of us who are married, won’t be within a few years. That’s just reality.

Recent statistics reveal that divorce rates among adults aged 50 and older have nearly doubled since the 1990s. That’s a big number, and I'm guessing it’s filled with a lot of complainers.

I’m not against divorce. I’m not saying every relationship can be salvaged, and I don’t profess to know where the line is for any of us.

What I am saying is that It's not uncommon to encounter men who fall into the "complainer" category.

In fact, it's prevalent. And here’s what I’m noticing about these guys.

They are often out of shape, overweight, and prone to overindulging in alcohol. 

They emanate a "misery loves company" vibe, constantly griping about their spouses and the perceived shortcomings in their relationships.

This negative attitude not only takes a toll on their personal well-being, but also creates a toxic atmosphere for those around them.

I’ve also seen some guys who got completely raked over the coals, got divorced, went on to get themselves into the best shape of their lives – emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually – and then got happily remarried.

On the flip side, we have the "celebrators." These men prioritize their health and well-being, maintaining a positive outlook on life and their relationships. They are typically in good shape, adhere to healthy habits, and exude an infectious, uplifting energy. 

These men understand that a strong, supportive partnership is built on a foundation of mutual appreciation and respect.

Better one or better two? 

The choice is yours, but it's worth considering the benefits of being a celebrator. By focusing on the positive aspects of your spouse and expressing gratitude for their presence in your life, you create a more fulfilling and harmonious relationship.

This positive energy not only strengthens your bond but also spills over into other areas of your life, attracting like-minded individuals who value growth and happiness.

Celebrating your spouse doesn't mean ignoring challenges or dismissing the need for open communication and compromise. Instead, it means approaching your relationship with a spirit of understanding, empathy, and a willingness to work together towards a common goal. It means recognizing and appreciating the qualities that drew you to your partner in the first place and nurturing those aspects of your relationship.

It also means working on yourself. That’s where this really starts. If you’re not happy with yourself, you’re not going to be happy with anyone and no one, including your wife, is there to “make you happy.” 

None of us are the same men we were when we first married, but when we take a good, hard, long look in the mirror, we know the truth. Are we a better version of ourselves, or worse?  

If it’s the latter, then when you're complaining about your wife, you’re  really just negatively projecting about yourself.

Want to go from complainer to celebrator? I found this online, and I agree:

Sometimes, it really is that simple. And simple is hard.

Marriage is hard. It can be even harder in middle age.

In a world where bitching and moaning often takes center stage, being a celebrator stands out as the better and more admirable choice. By embracing this mindset, you not only improve the quality of your marriage but also set a positive example for others, including your children and friends.

The top reasons couples divorce – and what to do about it

No. 1: Growing apart

Over time, partners may develop different interests, goals, and values, leading to a feeling of disconnection or lack of shared purpose.

What to do about it: 

• Regularly schedule quality time together to explore shared interests and create new experiences.

• Openly discuss your individual goals and values, and find ways to support each other's growth while maintaining a strong connection.

No. 2: Empty nest syndrome

When children leave home, couples may struggle to redefine their roles and relationship dynamics, leading to feelings of loneliness or loss of identity.

What to do about it:

• Embrace this new chapter as an opportunity to rediscover your relationship and focus on your roles as partners.

• Explore new hobbies, travel together or take on new challenges as a couple to maintain a sense of shared purpose.

No. 3: Midlife crises

Individuals may experience a sense of unfulfillment or a desire for change, leading them to question their life choices, including their marriage.

What to do about it:

• Communicate openly about your feelings and desires, and work together to find ways to address them within the context of your marriage.

• Seek individual or couples therapy to navigate this challenging period and gain new perspectives on your relationship.

No. 4: Financial strain

Money issues can put a significant strain on relationships, especially if couples have different spending habits or financial goals.

What to do about it:

• Develop a shared budget and financial plan that aligns with your individual and collective goals.

• Regularly discuss financial matters and make decisions together to maintain transparency and trust.

No. 5: Infidelity

Extramarital affairs can be a major contributor to divorce, particularly if there are underlying issues in the relationship.

What to do about it:

• Address underlying issues in the relationship that may have contributed to the affair.

• Seek professional help, such as couples therapy, to work through the emotional fallout and rebuild trust if both partners are willing to reconcile.

No. 6: Unresolved conflicts

Years of unaddressed or poorly managed conflicts can build up resentment and erode the foundation of a marriage.

What to do about it:

• Learn and practice effective communication and conflict-resolution skills.

• Address issues as they arise, rather than allowing them to fester and build resentment over time.

No. 7: Lack of communication

Poor communication skills or a breakdown in effective communication can lead to misunderstandings, frustration, and emotional distance.

What to do about it:

• Set aside dedicated time for open, honest conversations about your thoughts, feelings and needs.

• Practice active listening and empathy to foster a deeper understanding and connection with your partner.

No. 8: Changes in personal growth

As individuals evolve and grow, they may find that their partner no longer complements their personal development or supports their aspirations.

What to do about it:

• Encourage and support each other's personal development and growth.

• Regularly discuss your individual aspirations and find ways to align them with your shared goals as a couple.

No. 9: Health issues

Chronic illnesses or significant health challenges can put a strain on the caregiving spouse and the relationship as a whole.

What to do about it:

• Be supportive and understanding of your partner's health challenges, and work together to adapt to new circumstances.

• Prioritize self-care and maintain open communication about the impact of health issues on your relationship.

No. 10: Lack of intimacy

A decrease in physical and emotional intimacy can lead to feelings of disconnection and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

What to do about it:

• Make time for physical and emotional intimacy, even if it requires scheduling or trying new approaches.

• Openly discuss your desires, needs and any barriers to intimacy, and work together to find solutions that satisfy both partners.

As men in middle age, we have the power to shape our relationships and, by extension, our overall happiness. By consciously choosing to be a celebrator rather than a complainer, we invest in the longevity and fulfillment of our marriages and ourselves.

Take a moment to reflect on your attitude towards your spouse and make the decision to celebrate the love and partnership you share.

Your marriage, and your life, will be all the better for it.

In health,

—Greg

How I See It: Recommendations

I can get pretty serious here most weeks. But sometimes I just wanna talk about some or all of my 6F’s. In this case, Food.

I’m serious about what I put in my body, but not that serious, because that doesn't seem like a really fun way to live. This week I posted a short video on milk. I drink a lot of milk. There’s all sorts of opinions out there on dairy, alternatives to milk and so on. I wanted to share with you three milks that are always in the refrigerator here at our house, which I recently posted about on Instagram – and the reactions I got.

• Fairlife – my favorite of the three. 120 calories per cup, 13g of protein, lactose-free. It is ultra filtered, really smooth and my stomach does great with it.

• Malk – An almond milk that is more watery, 70 calories and 2g of protein per cup. I drink it pretty regularly with cereal, coffee, and in my smoothies, especially if I'm adding other protein powder and fruits and Greek yogurt to things to cream it up a little bit.

• A2 – 120 calories and 8g of protein per cup. There's no sugar and it's got great flavor, so the boys like it the best of the three.

Immediately after I posted this on instagram, i got hit with this comment about raw milk: 

So I then went to a trusted doctor friend who specializes in obesity and nutrition and here’s what he had to say in response:

Take recommendations with a grain of salt. There's always another level, a different take, a “better” way or a “do this, not that” opinion.

Make the choice that’s best for you. I’m good with the milk options here, I don’t need to go down the raw milk path, and I’m glad I had a trusted information source to check this, especially in our modern era of health misinformation.

I reserve the right to change my mind though. If I do, I'll let ya know.

Hot, hotter, hottest*

Got space in the backyard? Here’s my recommendation: Buy a sauna.

Saunas have many health benefits. Even if you had a tough day at work, there’s always time to sit in a wooden barrel and sweat it out. The most-touted physical benefits of saunas are stress relief, pain relief and cardiovascular health.

My favorite perks of sauna therapy aren’t physical, though. They’re mental.

• Usually too hot for your phone. You can’t scroll for very long or else it overheats. Forces you to do a digital detox.

• Quiet. Insulated enough that you feel like you’re getting a break from the outside world.

• Boring. And we love that. Boring is great for deep thinking and processing. My million-dollar ideas come to me in the sauna.

There are lots of saunas on the market. What makes Sisu saunas unique are their construction. They use Western Red Cedar from the good ol’ USA and are built by master craftsmen. But setting up the ice bath at home is such a pain in the ass, and the gyms and spas that have cold plunges are often an inconvenience to get to -- not to mention inconsistent.

I also like Sisu because it was founded by two married couples in 2017. When I sit in my sauna, I know I’m supporting startup entrepreneurs, which resonates with me and gives me energy as an entrepreneur myself. Hard to describe — it’s just a feeling. But maybe you know what I’m talking about.

Get your life together — and a discount — by using coupon code MIDLIFEMALE.

*Partner content

Did something in this newsletter resonate with you this week? Reply and let me know.

In health,

—Greg